Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically recognized for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be tremendous. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: present All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from House, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It truly is not just hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium the place company might contemplate obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Management established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"

The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:

"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."

Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"

The project is previously attracting interest from Global investors, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

Trump Tower Damascus
And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely consist of:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a hotel in which my PTSD may have flip-down services."

An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."